КИНО
PRESENCE
About the search for contact with the original source by acquiring the incomprehensible experience of immersion in the Darkness.
The video work PRESENCE documents my experience of visiting a forest at night, completely alone. To navigate through the darkness, I used a mobile projector as a light source, projecting my photograph onto the trees. When reflected on the forest surfaces, my face became someone else, someone I had not encountered before.
PRESENCE
About the search for contact with the original source by acquiring the incomprehensible experience of immersion in the Darkness.
Plunging into darkness, I see nothing, I know nothing; in this space free from meanings I distance myself from everything that exists. At this moment the darkness disappears, it is illuminated by the light of my "I".
Diary
2020
The project began with my research into the “apophatic,” which has its roots in negative (apophatic) theology. This method of knowing God consists of consistently denying everything that God is not, as incommensurable with Him. All words, things, and phenomena are finite, and it is impossible to come to an understanding of God through these concepts.
In a broad sense, “apophatic” can be called that which eludes consciousness when it has not yet been given a name, that which cannot be exhaustively expressed in words or described directly using vocabulary. To enter this space of still unverbalized ideas, one must subject oneself to “intellectual asceticism”: “being beyond everything, having renounced all knowledge, to unite with the Unknown.”*
Is there a way to immerse oneself in the field of ideas and meanings that are not described in words? In search of answers, I took walks in the forest, which is located behind the iron fence of my summer cottage, where my family and I lived during the isolation due to the pandemic, and in the evenings I diarized. One day, I suddenly woke up late at night and remembered a walk in the forest that had taken place the day before. In the darkness, I went to the window and peered into the darkness: "What if I found myself in that very forest right now?" I was overcome with horror, I realized that I would never, under any circumstances, go into the forest at night. After all, the forest at night is a completely different forest. The next day I realized that GOING INTO THE FOREST AT NIGHT is my apophatic, personal incomprehensible, my way to go beyond experience and approach the denial of my own denial.
*On Mystical Theology by Dionysius the Areopagite.
In a broad sense, “apophatic” can be called that which eludes consciousness when it has not yet been given a name, that which cannot be exhaustively expressed in words or described directly using vocabulary. To enter this space of still unverbalized ideas, one must subject oneself to “intellectual asceticism”: “being beyond everything, having renounced all knowledge, to unite with the Unknown.”*
Is there a way to immerse oneself in the field of ideas and meanings that are not described in words? In search of answers, I took walks in the forest, which is located behind the iron fence of my summer cottage, where my family and I lived during the isolation due to the pandemic, and in the evenings I diarized. One day, I suddenly woke up late at night and remembered a walk in the forest that had taken place the day before. In the darkness, I went to the window and peered into the darkness: "What if I found myself in that very forest right now?" I was overcome with horror, I realized that I would never, under any circumstances, go into the forest at night. After all, the forest at night is a completely different forest. The next day I realized that GOING INTO THE FOREST AT NIGHT is my apophatic, personal incomprehensible, my way to go beyond experience and approach the denial of my own denial.
*On Mystical Theology by Dionysius the Areopagite.
The project began with my research into the "apophatic," which has its roots in negative (apophatic) theology. This method of knowing God consists of consistently denying everything that God is not, as incommensurable with Him. All words, things, and phenomena are finite, and it is impossible to come to an understanding of God through these concepts.
In a broad sense, "apophatic" can be called that which eludes consciousness when it has not yet been given a name, that which cannot be exhaustively expressed in words or described directly using vocabulary. To enter this space of still unverbalized ideas, one must subject oneself to "intellectual asceticism": "being beyond everything, having renounced all knowledge, to unite with the Unknown."*
Is there a way to immerse oneself in the field of ideas and meanings that are not described in words? In search of answers, I took walks in the forest, which is located behind the iron fence of my summer cottage, where my family and I lived during the isolation due to the pandemic, and in the evenings I diarized. One day, I suddenly woke up late at night and remembered a walk in the forest that had taken place the day before. In the darkness, I went to the window and peered into the darkness: "What if I found myself in that very forest right now?" I was overcome with horror, I realized that I would never, under any circumstances, go into the forest at night. After all, the forest at night is a completely different forest. The next day I realized that GOING INTO THE FOREST AT NIGHT is my apophatic, personal incomprehensible, my way to go beyond experience and approach the denial of my own denial.
*On Mystical Theology by Dionysius the Areopagite.
In a broad sense, "apophatic" can be called that which eludes consciousness when it has not yet been given a name, that which cannot be exhaustively expressed in words or described directly using vocabulary. To enter this space of still unverbalized ideas, one must subject oneself to "intellectual asceticism": "being beyond everything, having renounced all knowledge, to unite with the Unknown."*
Is there a way to immerse oneself in the field of ideas and meanings that are not described in words? In search of answers, I took walks in the forest, which is located behind the iron fence of my summer cottage, where my family and I lived during the isolation due to the pandemic, and in the evenings I diarized. One day, I suddenly woke up late at night and remembered a walk in the forest that had taken place the day before. In the darkness, I went to the window and peered into the darkness: "What if I found myself in that very forest right now?" I was overcome with horror, I realized that I would never, under any circumstances, go into the forest at night. After all, the forest at night is a completely different forest. The next day I realized that GOING INTO THE FOREST AT NIGHT is my apophatic, personal incomprehensible, my way to go beyond experience and approach the denial of my own denial.
*On Mystical Theology by Dionysius the Areopagite.
Day 1
Morning. I'm making my way through a spring forest. Somewhere high up, the movement of air makes the bare branches of trees creak. I can hear the welcoming singing of a few birds. I feel the soil springing under my boots. Can I now understand the essence of what is happening around me? Does what I know about birds, trees and rotten branches reflect the essence of these particular birds and these trees? Or is this just my perception of them, which has nothing to do with the original? And if I had never heard anything about birds and trees, had no model in my mind and now encountered them for the first time, would my perception be true? Or would the picture be fragmentary without prepared templates?
Will my outside view of an observer allow me to penetrate the essence of these phenomena?
Or, to understand the essence of the forest, do I need to become the moss that covers a tree felled by a storm, or an impatient spider that, despite the night frosts, is already weaving a web between the branches?
Morning. I'm making my way through a spring forest. Somewhere high up, the movement of air makes the bare branches of trees creak. I can hear the welcoming singing of a few birds. I feel the soil springing under my boots. Can I now understand the essence of what is happening around me? Does what I know about birds, trees and rotten branches reflect the essence of these particular birds and these trees? Or is this just my perception of them, which has nothing to do with the original? And if I had never heard anything about birds and trees, had no model in my mind and now encountered them for the first time, would my perception be true? Or would the picture be fragmentary without prepared templates?
Will my outside view of an observer allow me to penetrate the essence of these phenomena?
Or, to understand the essence of the forest, do I need to become the moss that covers a tree felled by a storm, or an impatient spider that, despite the night frosts, is already weaving a web between the branches?
Day 2
Today I go further than yesterday. I want to get to those "old" spruce, which noble tops are visible behind the palisade of "mongrel" trunks and branches. I walk, look around, choose a suitable path. The branches every now and then try to hit me in the face. I come across a fallen old birch with a ripped trunk that blocks my path. I go around. And then, there is another tree - it does not grow, it lies. How many of them are here, these horizontal trees...
To understand that I am in the forest and it is a cool day, the perception of the senses is enough for me. For this, I do not need to describe everything in words. A dog that comes into the house after a walk does not need to tell itself that it is in a familiar place. It simply goes to its favorite rug, lies down on it and falls asleep. Perhaps a dog is an unfortunate example, because scientists are still arguing whether animals have consciousness. A child-Mowgli, who was not taught to speak, also does not need a language to determine whether he is safe or not.
And how does a person know something that has no verbal description, the so-called "apophatic"? Despite the fact that the human consciousness is fixated on verbalizing everything, it was still able to "notice" the existence of something that has no verbal expression. And it did not come into its focus with the help of language. The human mind even came up with a name for it. A name for something that has no name!
Today I go further than yesterday. I want to get to those "old" spruce, which noble tops are visible behind the palisade of "mongrel" trunks and branches. I walk, look around, choose a suitable path. The branches every now and then try to hit me in the face. I come across a fallen old birch with a ripped trunk that blocks my path. I go around. And then, there is another tree - it does not grow, it lies. How many of them are here, these horizontal trees...
To understand that I am in the forest and it is a cool day, the perception of the senses is enough for me. For this, I do not need to describe everything in words. A dog that comes into the house after a walk does not need to tell itself that it is in a familiar place. It simply goes to its favorite rug, lies down on it and falls asleep. Perhaps a dog is an unfortunate example, because scientists are still arguing whether animals have consciousness. A child-Mowgli, who was not taught to speak, also does not need a language to determine whether he is safe or not.
And how does a person know something that has no verbal description, the so-called "apophatic"? Despite the fact that the human consciousness is fixated on verbalizing everything, it was still able to "notice" the existence of something that has no verbal expression. And it did not come into its focus with the help of language. The human mind even came up with a name for it. A name for something that has no name!
Day 3
It rained today. The bark of the trees, the green stripes of grass that managed to break through the soil - everything is shining with moisture. The air is thick and fragrant. Now I notice trees lying on the ground everywhere - there are many more of them than I could have thought.
As I move through the forest, I invariably come across horizontal trunks, thin and massive, rotten and freshly broken. At some point, it seemed to me that there were even more of them than vertical ones. I raise my head to compare by eye. No, there are still more of those that are still standing and stretching their branches to the sky. An association with the world of people arises.
It dawns on me that this phenomenon of fallen trees is not accidental and it does not occur everywhere. There are almost no long-lived trees in this forest, except for spruce. Mostly birch, alder, bird cherry grow here - those trees that often do not stand the test of time and hurricane wind. I want to come up with a separate name for this phenomenon, so that the consciousness of other people will also notice it. Horizontal Forest.
It rained today. The bark of the trees, the green stripes of grass that managed to break through the soil - everything is shining with moisture. The air is thick and fragrant. Now I notice trees lying on the ground everywhere - there are many more of them than I could have thought.
As I move through the forest, I invariably come across horizontal trunks, thin and massive, rotten and freshly broken. At some point, it seemed to me that there were even more of them than vertical ones. I raise my head to compare by eye. No, there are still more of those that are still standing and stretching their branches to the sky. An association with the world of people arises.
It dawns on me that this phenomenon of fallen trees is not accidental and it does not occur everywhere. There are almost no long-lived trees in this forest, except for spruce. Mostly birch, alder, bird cherry grow here - those trees that often do not stand the test of time and hurricane wind. I want to come up with a separate name for this phenomenon, so that the consciousness of other people will also notice it. Horizontal Forest.
One important night
I wake up in the dark. My hand reaches for the display — one light touch, I manage to close my eyes before the rectangle of light blinds me. Through the narrow slit of my eyelids I recognize the inscription 03:03. I remember the Forest, how I walked there this afternoon. Now we are separated by a double-glazed window, several meters of dry lawn and a high iron fence.
At night, perception changes. It seems that everything around is different and everything inside me is different. I am pierced by the thought that the last thing in the world I want to be there, in the Forest! “Never! I would never go into the forest at night!” — the thought slipped through my mind, and my consciousness switched off.
I wake up in the dark. My hand reaches for the display — one light touch, I manage to close my eyes before the rectangle of light blinds me. Through the narrow slit of my eyelids I recognize the inscription 03:03. I remember the Forest, how I walked there this afternoon. Now we are separated by a double-glazed window, several meters of dry lawn and a high iron fence.
At night, perception changes. It seems that everything around is different and everything inside me is different. I am pierced by the thought that the last thing in the world I want to be there, in the Forest! “Never! I would never go into the forest at night!” — the thought slipped through my mind, and my consciousness switched off.
Day 4
I continue to think about those phenomena that my consciousness does not notice, but this time about my Personal Apophatic. What if the endless thought process and the desire to describe everything in words dull perception, narrow the possible sensory spectrum and prevent knowledge of the invisible side of things?
But I am constantly distracted from these reflections by something that has been present in the background somewhere in the back of my mind since I woke up.
That very thought that came to me last night.
To admit the possibility of the existence of something that I cannot even think of.
To do something that I would never do.
To go beyond the limits of my possible experience.
To comprehend the unthinkable.
Denial of denial.
To go into the forest at night.
Is this not My Apophatic?
My Divine Darkness.
I continue to think about those phenomena that my consciousness does not notice, but this time about my Personal Apophatic. What if the endless thought process and the desire to describe everything in words dull perception, narrow the possible sensory spectrum and prevent knowledge of the invisible side of things?
But I am constantly distracted from these reflections by something that has been present in the background somewhere in the back of my mind since I woke up.
That very thought that came to me last night.
To admit the possibility of the existence of something that I cannot even think of.
To do something that I would never do.
To go beyond the limits of my possible experience.
To comprehend the unthinkable.
Denial of denial.
To go into the forest at night.
Is this not My Apophatic?
My Divine Darkness.
Day 5
I start thinking about how and when it will happen. I probably shouldn't tell my husband. What if he wants to go with me, then nothing will work out. No, it will be worse: he won't want to go, but he will feel that he "has to go", and then I will subject him to terrible mental torment.
No, it's better not to say anything...
But he turns off his phone at night. What if I twist my ankle in the forest at night or meet a homeless person and at that moment I want to call for help?
A difficult choice.
I start thinking about how and when it will happen. I probably shouldn't tell my husband. What if he wants to go with me, then nothing will work out. No, it will be worse: he won't want to go, but he will feel that he "has to go", and then I will subject him to terrible mental torment.
No, it's better not to say anything...
But he turns off his phone at night. What if I twist my ankle in the forest at night or meet a homeless person and at that moment I want to call for help?
A difficult choice.
Day 6
What do I want to find there? What will this experience mean for me?
Why am I so afraid of it and strive for it at the same time?
And by the way, why are we so afraid of darkness?
Darkness. Absence of light. Nothing is visible. No vision. I do not see and do not know.
But at the same time there is nothing that distracts from the main thing.
No distracting pictures and thoughts. "Detachment from all that exists."
Only the perception of what is happening now.
Isn't this an opportunity to touch your own "I", or maybe something more?
Is darkness always evil?
Is darkness always the end?
The birth of life occurs in complete darkness.
To see the Light, you must first be in the Darkness.
Can darkness become a starting point, a beginning?
The most important night...
What do I want to find there? What will this experience mean for me?
Why am I so afraid of it and strive for it at the same time?
And by the way, why are we so afraid of darkness?
Darkness. Absence of light. Nothing is visible. No vision. I do not see and do not know.
But at the same time there is nothing that distracts from the main thing.
No distracting pictures and thoughts. "Detachment from all that exists."
Only the perception of what is happening now.
Isn't this an opportunity to touch your own "I", or maybe something more?
Is darkness always evil?
Is darkness always the end?
The birth of life occurs in complete darkness.
To see the Light, you must first be in the Darkness.
Can darkness become a starting point, a beginning?
The most important night...
